{"id":3126,"date":"2015-11-08T17:59:18","date_gmt":"2015-11-09T00:59:18","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ourthoughts.ca\/?p=3126"},"modified":"2015-11-08T18:51:54","modified_gmt":"2015-11-09T01:51:54","slug":"why-im-struggling-and-its-not-what-you-think","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ourthoughts.ca\/2015\/11\/08\/why-im-struggling-and-its-not-what-you-think\/","title":{"rendered":"Why I\u2019m struggling (and it\u2019s not what you think)"},"content":{"rendered":"

This weekend has been trying for me.<\/p>\n

Since the church\u2019s policy change regarding same-sex marriages was leaked on Thursday, my Facebook feed has been like a firehose regarding reactions to the changes. I tried to read so many thoughts, article, and blog posts in an effort to help me figure things out.<\/p>\n

It didn\u2019t work that well.<\/p>\n

Instead of direction and guidance, I received anxiety and depression. There were times on Friday and Saturday when trying to respond to claims or viewpoints that I found myself shaking and had to stop.<\/p>\n

Even going to the temple Friday night didn\u2019t help. In fact, my endowment session felt like a two-hour stupor of thought. I drove away from the temple as lost and depressed as ever\u2014a far cry from the guidance and inspiration I had received the week before.<\/p>\n

A lot of emotions have run through my heart and mind. I\u2019ve been upset, confused, hopeless, lost, abandoned, hurt, sad, lonely, disgusted, sick, and so many more.<\/p>\n

As a parent of an LGBT child, I\u2019ve struggled to know what to do. My daughter left the church earlier this year, but the changes still hit me hard, and I\u2019ve been seriously considering throwing in the towel.<\/p>\n

Before this weekend, I never fully understood what people go through when they wrestle with the decision to leave the church. Something I\u000e\u2019ve learned is that it\u2019s a complex decision with no easy answer.<\/p>\n

In fact, two years ago, President Dieter F. Uchtdorf addressed<\/a> this very topic in general conference:<\/p>\n

Sometimes we assume it is because they have been offended or lazy or sinful. Actually, it is not that simple. In fact, there is not just one reason that applies to the variety of situations.<\/p>\n

Some of our dear members struggle for years with the question whether they should separate themselves from the Church.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I can say with frankness that the last paragraph describes me. As the church as grown more evangelical and my understanding of the actual Gospel has become more Christ-centred, this growing divide has become problematic for me.<\/p>\n

But there are aspects of Mormonism I love and that I can find in few other places: an anthropomorphic God, a feminine divine, the masonic temple rites, seer stones, visiting angels, continuing revelation, and the list goes on. Scriptures like D&C 18:10, D&C 93, Mosiah 4, and 4 Nephi 1 resonate with me.<\/p>\n

So I continued on, focusing on what is right.<\/p>\n

But this policy change and how it could\u00a0affect my future grandchildren feels like the proverbial last straw that broke the camel\u2019s back.<\/p>\n

And I find myself once again contemplating leaving. This time, however, it feels so intense. I find parallels even to the faith crisis story<\/a> I shared 8 years ago.<\/p>\n

But here it is three days later, and I haven\u2019t found it any easier to decide what I\u2019m going to do.<\/p>\n

There are so many factors at play in me head. As I\u2019ve commented several times, the church is like a cherry pie: it tastes so good, but it has pits.<\/p>\n

Here are some of the things that make it taste so good to me:<\/p>\n