While I was finding things to help them meet those needs, I came to a realization regarding my new calling, and even regarding leadership callings in general.

You see, it seems to me that often we view those in leadership callings as set up to tell us what to do, whether that is in our own callings or how we live the gospel. And even some who serve in leadership callings have that idea, that they are to tell people what to do, that they are to manage the ward (or stake or whatever).

But as I was going about getting the resources my teachers need, it hit me that this was not what I was doing. Getting something for someone else wasn’t a form of control or management: it was a form of service.

And it reminded me of the Last Supper, when Jesus washed Peter’s feet. At one point, he said:

Ye call me Master and Lord: and ye say well; for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet; ye also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I have given you an example, that ye should do as I have done to you. Verily, verily, I say unto you, The servant is not greater than his lord; neither he that is sent greater than he that sent him.

John 13:13–16

He taught the same thing at another point during his ministry:

Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: and whosoever of you will be the achiefest, shall be servant of all.

Mark 10: 42–44

and:

Neither be ye called masters: for one is your Master, even Christ. But he that is greatest among you shall be your servant. And whosoever shall exalt himself shall be abased; and he that shall humble himself shall be exalted.

Matthew 23:10–12

and:

And there was also a strife among them, which of them should be accounted the greatest.And he said unto them, The kings of the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and they that exercise authority upon them are called benefactors. But ye shall not be so: but he that is greatest among you, let him be as the younger; and he that is chief, as he that doth serve. For whether is greater, he that sitteth at meat, or he that serveth? Is not he that sitteth at meat? but I am among you as he that serveth.

Luke 22: 24–27

These scriptures helped me to realize that if we aim to follow the example of Jesus in our lives, then a leadership calling isn’t about directing and managing and controlling: it’s about service.

In my specific calling, as a Christlike leader, I am to serve my teachers. I am not to tell them how to teach or control their classrooms. Instead, I am to serve them: my purpose is to get them what they need so they can magnify their teaching.

This is by no means the first leadership calling I have held, but this new realization has completely changed how I view my new calling and the role I am to play over the next year or two. And should I serve in additional leadership callings after this one, I will use the lessons I learn as a I try to serve my teachers to guide my efforts in those callings.

Growing up gay in the LDS church is problematic enough. Identifying as a gender outside of the conventional binary of either male or female adds even further complexity to the challenges queer youth face in the church.

The LDS church strongly adheres to the typical gender binary. It’s reflected in their scripture stories, in their temples, in how they approach parenting, in leadership responsibilities, and so on. Segregation of the sexes begins at 8 years old, with boys being shipped off to weekly Cub pack meetings and girls being shuffled to biweekly Activity Days. This segregation continues into adulthood, right to the day one dies.

This is problematic for people who don’t identify as male or female. They feel out of place when forced to segregate, and the discomfort (to put it mildly) can lead them out of the church ultimately.

Few resources are provided to youth leaders to help them address the unique experiences of the non-binary youth they are asked to lead. This goes not only for young men and young women leaders, but bishops and stake presidents, too. So, it’s not surprising, then, that leaders do little to accommodate their non-binary youth.

I reached out to our gender-fluid child, Ash, who will be entering the youth programme next month, and we worked together to compile these 11 tips on how leaders can make non-binary youth feel welcome at church.

Some changes that could go a long way require institutional change (such as a universal priesthood, for example) and are beyond the purpose of this post. We wanted to focus on changes individual leaders could easily implement without having to stress about breaking any rules.

Here we go.

1. Use preferred pronouns

Often, non-binary individuals will identify with pronouns different from those they were assigned at birth. For example, when Ash came out to us earlier this year as gender-fluid, they told us they were using the “they/them/their” pronouns from now on.

If non-binary youth no longer identify as the gender they were assigned at birth, it can be distressing if others do. Using the pronouns you were used to using after you have been asked not to is called misgendering. If done purposefully, it can be seen as abusive.

By using your youth’s preferred pronouns, you show them that you care about them, that you value their comfort more that you value your own, and that you are willing to do what you can to make them feel more comfortable.

2. Use preferred name

Similar to pronouns, non-binary persons will sometimes choose a name other than their birth name. They may think their birth name is too gendered or want a new name to correspond to their newly discovered identity.

For example, when Ash came out to us, they chose Ash as the name they wanted to be known by. It took some getting used to, and we had many times when we’ve had to correct ourselves, but we keep trying.

Using the preferred name of your non-binary youth shows them that you value an important part of their identity. They will feel respected, which will go a long way to helping them feel included.

3. Use positive language

When speaking about their gender identity, use affirming language. Try developing sincere interest so you can learn more. Never treat it as a phase, a disease, or a sin. The Family Proclamation states that “gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.” If gender identity is essential to who we are, we should remember that when interacting with our non-binary youth.

4. Dedicate a class to educating

If your non-binary youth is publicly out of the closet, consider collaborating with them on planning a class to educate the rest of your youth on gender issues, and how we can make non-binary youth feel welcomed. Remember, just because one of your youth has come out, doesn’t mean they are the only ones. Our own ward has had 7 LGBTQ people that I know of, only 3 of whom have come out publicly.

Holding a class will not only help make your non-binary youth feel welcome, but it might encourage other closeted LGBTQ youth to trust you with a secret they have been holding inside. It’s important to create a welcoming, loving environment.

5. Don’t out them without permission

On that note, if one of your youth has come out to you, don’t tell anyone else without their explicit consent. They trust you, and if you tell someone else without permission, you will destroy that trust. Don’t tell their parents, don’t tell your counsellors, don’t tell your spouse, don’t even tell the bishop.

Honour the trust they have placed in you. Respect their privacy. Help them develop trust in others and focus on ensuring they feel welcome in your meetings.

6. Provide gender neutral washroom

This tip probably better applies to bishops and stake presidents. Being able to choose between only a male washroom and female washroom can be distressing for non-binary youth. Try to provide gender neutral (or all gender) washrooms.

In our building, we have two single-use, gender neutral washrooms. One doubles as an accessible washroom, so it can be problematic for disabled people who can’t use it when it’s occupied by able-bodied people. The other one isn’t accessible, and people can use it regardless of gender.

Related to this, point out where all the washrooms are (including gender neutral ones if you have them), and let the youth decide which ones to use. Don’t tell people which washroom to use.

7. Don’t do boys vs. girls activities

Avoid joint activities that are boys against the girls. This can be uncomfortable for non-binary youth because it forces them to choose a gender. When you need to create teams, try numbering the youth off or assigning team captains to fill the team roster.

8. Don’t police clothing

If your non-binary youth don’t wear typical gendered clothing, don’t make a big deal about it. If someone in your young women class, for example, typically wears slacks, don’t comment on how pretty they look when they wear a dress.

9. More co-ed activities

Even though third-block classes are segregated, it’s no reason to continue having segregated activities all the time. Try to plan co-ed activities more than once a month. Creating more non-segregated activities can help your non-binary youth to feel more comfortable. On that note, try to avoid decorations and themes that perpetuate gender stereotypes (for example, pink for girls and blue for boys).

10. Avoid reinforcing societal gender roles

It’s easy to focus on stereotypical gender roles in the church. Try to avoid it though.

Encourage youth in your young women classes, for example, to serve missions. Talk to the youth in your young men classes about being a stay at home parent as a legitimate choice. Avoid such things as trying on bridal gowns for a young women activity or shooting guns for a young men activity.

Related to this, try to avoid gendered language. Use youth instead of young women or young men. Use parent instead of mother or father. Use spouse instead of husband or wife. Use child instead of son or daughter. And so on.

11. Include them in activities and leadership

Include your non-binary youth in your activities. Invite them out. Plan the activities to be inclusive. Invite them to help plan the activities.

Call your non-binary youth into leadership positions. This will show them that their gender identity does not make them sinful or bad, and it may provide them opportunities to plan activities and reach out to other youth.

Do you have experience with being a leader of non-binary youth? Let us know in the comments below things that you have found useful in making those youth feel comfortable at church.

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• Download our 11 ways booklet (PDF, 164 KB). It has a lot of colour, so you may not want to print it out. But please email it to your family, friends, ward members, presidency, bishopric, and stake presidency.
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With about 25 minutes left to go and half way through the third speakers talk, we had a medical emergency in the congregation.?Ǭ† This particular emergency happened smack dab in the middle of the chapel.?Ǭ† Very quickly, members close to the situation tried to assist and get control.?Ǭ† One quickly left and called 9-1-1 to summon the paramedics.

Now, if that wasn’t interesting enough, the response of the rest of the congregation was.

We had a member of the stake presidency sitting on the stand for our meeting (you know, the guy who is suppose to be presiding at the meeting).?Ǭ† He did absolutely nothing and sat there as if it was any other Sunday meeting.

Our bishop sent one of his counselors down to investigate.?Ǭ† The counselor, after assessing the situation, went out into the hallway and waited for the paramedics to arrive instead of reporting back to the bishop.

The speaker received no direction from the leadership on the stand.?Ǭ† He just stayed at the pulpit and continued to give his talk until he was done.?Ǭ† No effort was made to shorten it or look to the leadership for guidance.?Ǭ† He clearly didn’t have anybodies attention.?Ǭ† Everyone in the congregation was watching the unfolding drama happening in the pews.

After his talk, the other counselor instructed organ player to play interlude music while we all sat there.

When the paramedics arrived, the entire congregation sat and watched them work on this individual to a nice rendition of “I know that my redeemer lives”.

Nobody at any time attempted to give a blessing to the person in distress.

The themes of all the talks were… wait for it… ?Ǭ†”How to be better disciples of Christ”.

I cannot recall a time where I felt more akward in sacrament meeting.

Have you ever been in a sacrament meeting where a medical emergency has occured??Ǭ† How was the situation handled?

If we turn to the scriptures, we find in the fifth article of faith that “a man must be called of God, by prophecy, and by the laying on of hands by those who are in authority, to preach the Gospel and administer in the ordinances thereof.”

Well, I guess one out of two ain’t bad…

President Packer gave a good talk on callings. He points out that:

“When there is a need for someone to serve, the leaders talk about it and pray about it?¢‚Ǩ‚Äùoften more than once. They seek a confirmation from the Spirit, for calls should be made prayerfully and accepted in the same spirit.”

As a lowly member of the ward, am I asking too much that my leaders follow the prescribed pattern in making callings?

President Packer goes on to say:

“One who has authority to issue a call must rely on inspiration to avoid overburdening those who are always willing.”

I wonder if the reason why these bishoprics have such a problem staffing the ward is because they consistently fail in this one area? This talk is a goldmine in information for anyone issuing callings out of “desperation”.

Let’s see what the handbook says regarding issuing callings:

Doctrines of Callings and Releases

A person must be called of God to serve in the Church (see Articles of Faith 1:5). These callings come as the Holy Ghost inspires presiding officers to issue them. Releases from Church callings should also come by inspiration, except when a person’s change of residence necessitates a release or when a calling is for a specific time period, such as full-time missionary service.

Again, we see the need for inspiration in issuing callings in the church.

So, I guess my question is “why do bishoprics take shortcuts and offer calls of desperation, and then wonder why they have such a hard time staffing the ward?”

We were treated to this twice yesterday before our bishopric’s first counselor got up and pointed out the error to the frustrated, young priest.

?Ǭ†Then, we heard the following:

“O God, the Eternal Father, we ask thee in the name of thy Son, Jesus Christ, to bless and sanctify this bread to the souls of all those who partake of it, that they may eat it in remembrance of the body of thy Son, and witness unto thee, O God, the Eternal Father, that they are willing to take upon them the name of thy Son, and always remember him and keep his commandments which he has given them; that they may always have his Spirit to be with them. Amen.”

At which point the first counselor nodded his approval, not wanting to drag out the scene any more. (The bishop and?Ǭ†second counselor were away, so “Number One” was flying solo.)

After the sacrament was done and the Aaronic priesthood were dismissed, “Number One” felt inspired to give us a short, five minute talk about how valiant, and worthy, and diligent the young men were in performing their sacramental duty.?Ǭ† I think this was meant to somehow help the young priest save face, although it was just out of place and awkward to listen to.

But why go through all the effort of correcting him the first time, and why give the little speech at the end if you are?Ǭ†ultimately going to let the prayer be said incorrectly??Ǭ† What harm would there be to having him do it a fourth time, to hopefully get it right??Ǭ† Why was he more concerned about hurting the young fella’s feelings than getting the ordinance done correctly?

Which makes me wonder… does it really matter if the prayer was said correctly??Ǭ† If three wrong attempts are good enough, then surly two would have done the trick.?Ǭ† Did all 200 of us yesterday actually renew our covenants or did we just have a snack?

On a weekly basis, I get a few more drops of courage to actually raise my hand.

?Ǭ†Why is it that we don’t oppose when it’s how we feel sometimes??Ǭ† I must admit, I have never done it in a public meeting.?Ǭ† The closest I ever got was a few weeks ago when I had a PPI / HT interview with the EQP.?Ǭ† I told them point blank that I opposed a number of things they were doing in the quorum.?Ǭ† I didn’t try to be a jerk about it, but I let them know how I felt and why.?Ǭ† And, then to make it clear, I told them if they continued, I could not sustain them.?Ǭ† I / They left it there.?Ǭ† Nothing has changed.?Ǭ† They now know where I stand.

So, I’m thinking about our ward and stake conference that are comming up, where I’ll have another chance to oppose in public.?Ǭ† Honestly, I don’t know that I have the guts to do it.?Ǭ† I think I’d be more inclined to not raise my hand to sustain and afterwards, go to whoever and voice my opposition.?Ǭ† I admit that is the easier way out.

The Lord will never permit me or any other man who stands as President of this Church to lead you astray. It is not in the programme. It is not in the mind of God. If I were to attempt that, the Lord would remove me out of my place

My question to the readers is how will the Lord remove the prophet from his place? How do we know this will happen?