Some time ago, I noticed more commentary than usual about the LDS Church’s approach to virginity. I recognize that their approach is problematic and comes with a lot of baggage. I also recognize that a lot of people view virginity in general with a critical lens. That‘s fine. I want to be clear that I’m not trying to shame them. I also want to be clear that I’m not defending the approach the LDS Church takes on virginity, either literally or culturally.
Mary and I were both virgins when we married. I don’t view this as having being restrictive. I view this as being one of the two foundational aspects of our sexual relationship.
Being both virgins levelled the playing field for us. Neither of us came into the relationship with preconceived notions. We certainly didn’t enter the relationship ignorant to sex practices and intimacy in general. I think this sexual inexperience allowed us to more easily explore our sexuality as our relationship blossomed and developed. We were inexperienced, and we were able to gain our experience together.
That being said, I know that two people being virgins isn’t all that is needed to nurture a mature sexual relationship. I know couples (many of them now former couples) in which both partners were both virgins, but the willingness to explore was missing (at least with one person). They had — for whatever reason — certain narrow boundaries on what qualified as acceptable sexual practices, which made it problematic to explore sexuality at all.
The other foundational aspect in our relationship has been openness. We have been open with each other regarding what we’re comfortable with, what we want to try, what is pleasurable. And we have been open to accommodating one another.
I guess my point is that I think there can be value in virginity, that we shouldn’t be quick to dismiss it outright. Certainly, our discussion around how we approach virginity has to change.
