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I need to change

After reading my scriptures tonight, I took some time for some personal introspection. I came to a realization that I need to change.

I am afraid what my eulogy would read if I died today. Would I be remembered for being the person I think I should be, or would I be remembered for the person I really am?

I need to be less critical, and I need to be more compassionate. I need to be less judgmental and more tolerant. I need to lift others up, and not tear others down. I need to be less prideful and more humble. I need to be less selfish and more charitable. I need to be less contentious and more inspiring.

For the longest time, I have wanted to make a difference in the world. That being said, I am afraid that if I keep along the path I am, that I will make hardly any difference at all, and very few people will be better off having known me.

I also realize that changing myself needs to be about changing who I am and not what I do. Trying to change behaviour will never result in changing character.

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Kim Siever

Queer Mormon poet with radical political views. I have been married 27 years, and we have 6 children. Sunday school president. Served in the Utah Provo Mission.

4 thoughts on “I need to change”

  2. Congratulations Kim. Such a realization suggests you might be changing who you are.

  3. Sorry for resurrecting this OP but I recently have been undergoing this very thing. In hind sight, I think the key to “self-change” is this: The Sermon on the Mount.
    Simple as it sounds, it’s not. If I understand your comments, I think you’re talking about getting down the road a good deal closer to our Saviour. My own experience suggests that the “Beatitudes” must be taken to heart and deeply focused on in life and in prayer. Especially prayer.
    As I did this I had quite a life changing experience and as a result I “know” God’s love. Sounds corny I know, but it goes much further than just, “He loves me”, it goes hand in hand with “He also loves everyone else the same way”.
    Later 1JN 4:20 hit me with a deep understanding: If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?
    At this point I can’t help but see the love of God intertwined in the scriptures and they are,… um, well, alive to me.
    Anyway, you reminded me of my experience so I thought I’d share.
    …and since it’s been a while, how’s it going?

  4. Thanks for sharing.

    Looking back, I think I might be a bit of a better person, but it seems I have so much more to go.

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