Brett I want to apologize if my comments to you came off like I am holier then thou for lack of a better phrase (sorry have been working on 160 evaluation forms and brain cells fried).. we all have to raise our families the best we can and we all have to account for our actions.

When our children were teenagers I was beside myself with frustrations.. on every level.. having 3 -15 year olds and 2-13 year olds at the same time, a husband out of town working most weeks, working a full time and part time job putting my husband through school and trying to keep my kids in jeans and sneakers on top of trying to keep their hollow legs filled with food was a never ending stress factor. I tried talking to other mothers of teens that I knew and always got the same reply.. oh we don’t have those problems.. I felt like the world’s worst mother let me tell you.

Then one day we received a snail mail letter (long before emails) from our Bishop inviting all parents of teens into a special meeting. When we got there, the chairs were in a horseshoe with the parents in the back row and their teens in front of them. As my husband walked in with me, the Bishop asked him to sit at the very last chair in the parent row. Not hearing him ask any of the other parents to sit in a specific seat I started sweating thinking oh no I am about to get called into the principal’s office in front of everyone. He started by telling everyone we would all get a chance to tell the others how we were doing as a parent of a teen/a teen of a parent. He started at the opposite end of the horseshoe where we sat.

Parent by parent said “Oh we are fine, no problems”. As each parent spoke I sank lower in my chair. I was second to last and when it was my turn I said the same as the others hoping the word LIAR was not flashing on my forehead. I could feel Keith beside me turning in his chair and could literally feel his eyes burning into me and I prayed he would not be Keith. Our sons said the same thing.. no problems. The Bishop said Keith how about you? Keith as only he can do (he lives in a world only made up of black and white no grey zone) says I have no idea who this woman is beside me cause my wife was yelling at this son who is so innocently sitting in front of her and I had to remind them both that we were heading off to church and that probably wasn’t the best way to get in the reverent mood.

He went on to say that there were times he wanted to throttle the kids; that he felt he would barely walk in the door from being out of town at school, or at work and I would be all over him to do something with the kids or they would be all over him saying Mom is so mean etc etc.

At that point one of the fathers puts his hand up and said well now that you mention it, we have been having problems with our kids as well. That opened up the flood gates and what was supposed to be an hour meeting turned out 4 hours later. At the end of the class the Bishop went up to Keith and asked him if he wondered why he had been assigned a special seat at the end of the rows and Keith said yes he did. He was told that in his office he heard it all, that he knew there were so many problems in the ward with the youth and also knew that people weren’t helping each other. He then said that he knew that if nothing else Keith would be brutally honest and would never hide behind the “follow the Joneses”.

It was that turning point in my life as a mother that I realized I was not alone, that I was not the world’s worst mother, that I did not have the world’s worst children, that I could be better, that Heavenly Father did love me and forgave me each and every time I did wrong. I vowed to be better and worked harder at it then I ever did with anything else in my life. I finally figured out how to be a mom but they were leaving home at that point. I look at my children and their families now and some are doing great, some are doing better then others, others maybe not so great. I was the same mother to all of them, raising them the exact same way, but just as I had to choose to forgive my parents for the way I was raised and had to learn to do better (as much as I didn’t always think I was any better)they too have had to learn from my mistakes and raise their children in a better more loving way. They have had to make choices based on what information they have.

I remember at one point when I was probably at my lowest as a mother, speaking to my MIL (who was the BEST ever) telling her that I couldn’t wait till they all moved away from home and she patiently told me to enjoy those moments because I would worry even more after they were on their own raising their own families. I snorted of course telling her there was NO WAY!! I would be so happy to stop worrying and listening to that never ending quarreling of “he’s looking at me…he’s touching me.. she is getting away with this or that.. I’m telling.. it wasn’t me… well they did it first..they made me do it…. “

Then one day not that long ago it hit me. She was right. I do worry about my children more now then I ever did when they lived at home. At least then I knew they had food in their stomachs, warm clothes, a roof over their heads, and we had no debt. Now I worry if their children have enough food, do they have enough money to make ends meet, do they have enough clothes to keep them warm, is their home warm enough?????

If I had my way, we would live on a huge acreage with all our homes next to each other,so that if there was a need with either our children or grandchildren, we would be able to help. I also would be able to see cause there are SOME of our children that have too much pride to always ask for help thinking they have to do it alone.

I did have a point when I started this but it’s gone now.. Just know I am sorry if I came across better then you as a parent. I’m not. I can only be better then myself. I can only be better then I was. I have grandchildren who think I am Barbie pretty, that the sun rises and sets on what I say, who think their Papa is the funniest man on earth, that they are never too big to sit on our laps to snuggle, that even at 15 are never embarrassed to give us hugs in public, and who know that they can tell us their deepest secrets without fear that we will squeal on them. They know that Mom and Dad’s rules at home will be followed at our home, that we will never tell them that it’s ok to do the opposite. I’d like to think that we are responsible for a small part of that. That it is PRECISELY because of the way we raised our children that they have worked even harder to become better parents then we were.

The teacher said, “I can’t help it. I’m Italian and we yell a lot.”

I told my friend that I would have responded, “Well, I’m a farm girl and I punch people who intimidate and scare my children. I can’t help it.”

Dawn, that’s fantastic! It’s so cool I almost hope that I have a chance to use it sometime. Not really, but if the situation regrettably comes up, I at least hope that I can remember it.

My friend’s child was in a class once where the teacher would yell at the children often. It really scared her child and so she talked to the teacher about it. The teacher said, “I can’t help it. I’m Italian and we yell a lot.”

I told my friend that I would have responded, “Well, I’m a farm girl and I punch people who intimidate and scare my children. I can’t help it.”

The truth is, we all need to use a little self-discipline in life. It’s a life long battle in relationships. I often shake my head at people and the ways they talk to children. There is no way they’d talk to another adult the same way. I saw it a lot when I was teaching school and vowed I’d never talk to my kids like that in public or private.

Wish I could say I had kept my vow perfectly! We’re all on a learning curve, I guess.

I don’t know, this would be my gut reaction as a parent, that someone physically disciplined my child. Call it mother bear coming out. I just think it’s totally inappropriate. In some places (such as schools) a job could easily be lost for something like that.

Ironically my instinctive reaction would be to uh…strike the person…ironic, I know. Not that I would do it, I would just want to. But then it’s kind of like when my children hit each other. “He hit me, so I hit him”.

I agree that spanking isn’t appropriate in church. I don’t think it’s an effective form of discipline in any setting.

I’m not sure releasing someone that spanked a nursery child would be appropriate either. It could be a great way to teach. Should people be released when they make mistakes? I would think not. It’s a wonderful thing to give people the opportunity to do better.

Although I don’t deign to tell any other parent how to discipline, I don’t believe physical force is correct at any time. It’s amazing how many parents think it is perfectly ok to hit their child and yet if someone were to hit THEM that would be considered assault. But it’s ok to assault children.

That said, I regretfully admit that I have in the past spanked my children (2) on isolated occasions. NOT because they deserved it and not because I believe in it. I don’t. It was because of my frustration that I did it. Did it work? Maybe surfacely. was it right? oh I don’t know. How would I feel if Heavenly Father hauled off and spanked me? Can we evern conceive of the idea that the Lord would be justified in HITTING us? Of course He would be justified, but would it be the right thing to do?

Now that said it is never never ever ok for anyone to physically discipline anyone else’s child. I would have that person released immediately. It is always the parent’s realm to discipline their child.

You said:

“Brett my heart aches because I grew up in an extremely abusive household that no child should ever go through.”

“Having just babysat my 15 month old granddaughter last night before I read this post, my heart aches for your babies.”

You shouldn’t assume that my home is anything like the home you grew up in. Just because I spank my children doesn’t mean that they don’t feel loved. My children receive many more hugs than they do spankings.

By the way, are you really suggesting that children who are spanked generally don’t feel loved by their parents? Perhaps children that spend countless minutes in timeout grow up resenting their parents as well, ya think? I know I resented every time I got caught doing something bad. How dare they tell me no! LOL! Isn’t the idea that we resent the punishment we receive? I just don’t think punishment works as well when it’s pleasant.