So what would you do in the situation that you had called a young female to work in your auxiliary and she shows up for Sunday meetings and weekday meetings in inappropriate clothing such as a see through black top that you can honestly see your belly button through her shirt and jeans that low. Or wearing a tank top to teach her class.
This female is only a member for 1 year. She is 18 and her parents are not members although her 16 year old sister was recently baptized earlier this year. She wears skirts etc to church. Do you speak to her and hope you don’t offend her and hope that she doesn’t get humiliated or think the ward is talking about her behind her back? Do you have the RS President put a bug in her ear from her visiting teachers of course that is providing she even has visiting teachers. Do you just leave her alone and hopefully she will notice she is the only one wearing pants to church in the auxiliary and skinny tops so starts changing her wardrobe?
What if to her, this is her best clothing to wear? After all we technically do not have a dress code per se at church just dress your best (although I still have an issuse with only wearing white shirts for men but we won’t touch THAT line again).
What to do what to do.
ooops sorry that should read see HER belly button through her shirt not MY belly button… that would have been interesting to see though
Talk to the single men in the ward about complimenting the more appropriately dressed women on their clothes and not staring at belly-button girl.
If she senses that the “target audience” (so to speak) responds to different stimulus, she’ll probably change her wardrobe on her own.
This way, it’s about letting her draw her own conclusions and not making her feel shamed or browbeaten over her choices.
Wait another year. If she’s still around talk to her. I learned at the MTC that 80% of new converts drop out within the first two years. Problem solved.
J/k – I hope my sense of humour won’t quickly wear out my welcome here. I’m going to assume that her choice of attire really is “that bad” and not just seemingly so coming from the delicate sensibilities we Mormons are so ingrained with and that action really does need to be taken. Just remember 80%!
1. “Do you speak to her and hope you don’t offend her and hope that she doesn’t get humiliated or think the ward is talking about her behind her back?”
In my opinion, I think that telling her outright that her attire is inappropriate runs you a pretty high risk of offending the young lady. If you were a close enough friend to be able to talk to her about it, you probably wouldn’t be posting it as a question here. Secondly, why should she think the whole ward is talking about her behind her back? Is there a bigger problem than the fact that she doesn’t quite fit the mold yet?
2. Do you have the RS President put a bug in her ear from her visiting teachers of course that is providing she even has visiting teachers.
Are you the Relief Society president? If no, then I would say leave her out of this. She has enough to deal with. (My mom was a RS President.) Also if you are not her visiting teacher then “putting a bug in their ears” is also out of the question. After all, you are the person concerned with the young lady thinking “the whole ward is talking about her behind her back”.
3. Do you just leave her alone and hopefully she will notice she is the only one wearing pants to church in the auxiliary and skinny tops so starts changing her wardrobe?
Yes, that is a perfectly reasonable and appropriate action for you to take.
4. What if to her, this is her best clothing to wear?
If it is apparent that she dressed up for church then I would certainly guess she believes what she is wearing to be the best choice. As soon as the lesson on appropriate clothing for church comes up she’ll learn in more specific terms what is expected.
I don’t think the girls choice of attire is the real problem here. I think how the members of the church act within their callings to nurture this young woman will be the key to her becoming a life-long member. That’s really what’s important here, no?
One last thing. Just because you are not her visiting teacher doesn’t mean you can’t become a good friend to her, or invite her and her sister for dinner. The pants thing will take care of itself. Try not to worry about it. Just be nice to her, even compliment her choice of clothing. Especially compliment her clothing if it seems more modest or “appropriate” than last week.
Ok, I am going to sound bad to a lot of people, but I wouldn’t worry about it. A person’s style choices are pretty personal, and saying something would offend her for sure.
Secondly, she hasn’t been to the temple yet. She is new to the church and the standards of modesty that we adhere to. She will get it on her own the more she associates with the church.
And it is very possible that she may never change the way she dresses and yet she may be the best member ever. Agency and diversity are both wonderful things, and clothing choices are a part of that. She may very well think she is being modest wearing what she does.
What’s your ward like? I would worry about someone making a rude comment to her about it. If that seems likely, it might be better to say something yourself, in as kind a manner as possible.
Are there any other women her age that she’s friendly with?
I converted when I was 18, and I don’t remember anyone really explaining the modesty standards to me. What I remember is my mother-in-law, at my wedding (which was not a temple wedding as I’d only been a member for a month), commenting on how if I put some lining under the lace of my gown it could be warn to the temple.
You know what’s interesting, there was a discussion of this issue on the Exponent II listserv this week. I personally wouldn’t say anything about the clothing. I agree with some of what has been posted here. I think she needs to feel welcome most of all.
there is also the issue of class here — your new convert may very well wish to dress more like everybody else, but it’s not an option for everyone to run out and buy all new clothes. if she’s saving her modest for sundays, this might be the best she can muster.
mormons have to stop acting so elitist and assuming that all choices are about the purity of someone’s heart. this is an 18 yaer old kid — she might not have a ton of cash to spend.
Go out shopping with her and help her buy some clothes. I find that if you buy people clothes, and are kind about it, they tend to wear them and be grateful.
Gee, haven’t any of you been a teen with limited funds and way too much social awareness?
I’d be happy she’s attending church and is willing to accept a calling. For an 18-year-old, that alone is quite an accomplishment.
I agree with Copedi. As long as people go it’s fine for me… I know that I have to wear pants most of the time because my parents don’t even know I go to Church and trust me, I can feel people looking at me wondering why I bother coming in with jeans… so i have to explain to them my whole life story to make sure they understand. What a drag every Sunday…
Val, wear a sign :).
Do not judge, and you will not be judged.
“Do not judge, and you will not be judged.”
I have yet to see the truth of this statement manifest itself anywhere.